Maybe I’m Not

My mind works in waves, it’s not fearful of you. 

It’s afraid of you leaving when I don’t want you to. 

It’s a pain that consumes me, it starts in my chest. 

It moves to my throat and then pounds in my head. 

My thoughts are so clouded, they think I know best, so I sabotage, I break us, and I leave instead.

It comes from a history of pain and neglect. 

I want to trust you, but I blame you instead. 

I want to believe all the words that you said, fall into your arms so it helps me forget.

I want to be with you but I just cant believe, the words that you’re saying could mean anything.

People can make up what ever they like, cover their tracks or to get out of strife. 

They lie and they trick you, they make you feel safe, then you wake up and they’re gone when they promised to stay. 

It’s what people do that makes me believe, I need you to show me you don’t want to leave. 

An hour for me for me is a lifetime of hurt, I’ll praise you I’ll love you, I’ll show you your worth.

The minutes will pass and I question my trust, I might pull away if you’re getting too close. 

The question will linger for a minute before, I tear apart what we have and I head for the door. 

I’ll get impulsive, I’ll get reckless and then, I start blaming myself all over again 

You’ll chase me you’ll catch me you’ll ask me whats wrong. I’ll say that it’s nothing, we just don’t belong. 

My anger, misplaced will hit hard on your heart, but for me theres a safety in staying apart. 

I want to trust you I want us to work, but everything tells me we’re heading to hurt.

The confusion will swell and your chest starts to crack.

Then shame overwhelms me and I’ll wonder right back.

I fall into your arms say I’m sorry, it’s true. Because I only left so I didn’t lose you. 

Guilt makes me sick until I lose control. I’ll cry, I’ll curl into you, crave your pressure, your hold. 

I thought I was right and I thought you were wrong, but my anger’s directed at me all along

I’m up and I’m down and I do it a lot, I want to be worthy, but maybe I’m not. 

Author Notes

Hey stranger! How’s you?

Maybe I’m not is close to my heart in more ways than one. This part of the collection is designed to hopefully offer a different perspective on what might possibly travel through a mind that’s been through something, sometimes indescribable. Of course, this is only one expression of what I am sure, many different experiences exist. 

If you find solace in the words, or it sparks something in you, makes you think about a situation like this from another perspective, I would love to hear from you on the vibe wall!

Along the edge of a dream, I’ll see you!

Roux